Getting Your Porsche Keyed . . .

The devil is in the details, as some occasionally say.

The devil was in the keys, as was the case today.

Recently, good friends of mine bought a lovely, one-owner Cayman with shockingly low mileage on it, from someone who evidently didn't have a real desire to actually drive the car. Peculiar, but good for my friends, because the price was identical to that asked for comparable age Caymans on the market that had almost 8 times the miles on them.

They enjoy driving the car, which they found to be flawless, as one might expect. However, one day I received a phone call during which I was told that there was a dilemma, or maybe a harder word to that effect, and would I participate in pursuing a solution to it. It was this: My friends intended to take a trans-continental drive with the Cayman, and after reaching a base of operation they intended to do a grand tour of the 'wilder' western US states before driving the car back home to Vermont. The problem was that one of the ignition keys to the car had become lost, and they didn't want to do such a long trip with no back-up key on hand. Recent Porsche keys can't be replaced very easily in rural Wyoming.

In its wisdom, Porsche Cars North America closed its only Porsche dealership in Vermont in recent time, because it didn't sell the volume of cars that PCNA demanded. So, my friend asked if I'd accompany him to Montreal, which has three Porsche dealerships that are all doing fine. The story wasn't as simple as this, but he needed to go to a dealer, because electronic Porsche keys obviously cannot be made at some random, corner hardware store. I was happy to go along, because my previous hands-on Cayman time was not extensive and I wanted to get a more complete sense of the car - plus it's nice to enjoy a friend's company in a cool ride.

They all look the same.

He selected the dealership that could be found with the least entanglement in Montreal traffic, because Montreal is undergoing massive infrastructure renewal right now, and the traffic is hideous - bridges, roads, interchanges, buildings, you name it. Anyway, he called the chosen dealer and was told that his key problem could be taken care of immediately and on the spot. Before the decision was made to go to Montreal, one dealer in the USA said that the key would have to be ordered from Germany. Another told him there was no problem and that it would only take a month!  Another vendor wanted an enormous price, etc. We drove to the big city in Quebec and only got lost on detours twice.

To be honest, I had never actually been in a genuine, modern Porsche dealership before. Sure, people I know bought new cars there, and had their 911s and all serviced at dealerships, but my interests have been elsewhere, because the Porsche dealerships these days have forgotten how to service air-cooled cars . . .

I thought I was on a movie set. If you like black, white, glass, thousands of lights, and shiny cars, you would be in heaven in this place.

All of those glass-walled offices, upper and lower, were empty.

The whole place is a Porsche-centric boutique. Even coffee beans are on display.

Wait here, as fast as you can.

Okay, the issue was a new key. The smiling parts and accessories guy, in a white shirt and black tie, asked to see the key to be duplicated - after my friend had produced copious documentation proving that he was the legitimate owner. A key blank appeared, and the man took both keys into another room to cut the exact copy. Of course, the cut key was hollow; did my friend want a transmitter in it? A model-specific transmitter was installed, but now that transmitter needed to be programmed for this exact car. "Kindly take your key to the Service Department to get the programming done, sir. That will be $465 for the key, please. Programming will be done at an additional charge, and it will take about 90 minutes."

Now, in Service, the question arose, "Yes, we will be happy to program your key, when is your appointment?" "Appointment?" my friend said, "I was told that I would have my key immediately if I simply came here." "You do have your key in your hand, sir, but programming it takes substantial computer time and it requires an appointment. We have a time slot available at the end of next week. Would that be convenient?" No, it would not.

Service bays photo shot through a reflective glass wall, of course. Is it always that quiet?

My friend and I had driven for hours to get here - with my friend coming from another country, no less - and it would be hours to get back home. As well, my friends were to leave for their trip in a couple of days. Kindly note in the adjacent photo exactly how busy the Service Department was. I heard an engine running in the background briefly, but I didn't see any actual human beings running around. No wonder you needed an appointment, they apparently have to bring in someone to program this key, but perhaps  he couldn't get there until late next week. Argh. As a Porsche customer you could get a free cappuccino from the barista in this dealer's 'Café Carrera', but not a key, today. We hit the road and did some thinking.

Here was the solution: The former Porsche dealership in Vermont is still in business selling a variety of, mostly, high-end European cars. And, they still have their Porsche key programming computer! So, for my friend, this meant another trip to get his key operational, and he immediately hit the road, again. The key was programmed, on the spot, thank you very much.

It didn't work. 

Observe that the right, crested key is 1.5875 mm shorter.

The smiling guy in the white shirt and tie at the Porsche dealer in Montreal had provided  an incorrect key blank. It was 1.5875 mm too short. This key was to be used for the trunk and such only, not the ignition! Argh, again. Who's fault was this? The little guy with the tie (they all had ties). Pointed phone calls were made to the Montreal dealer, and a correct key blank was sent by overnight courier. That meant that my friend had to drive back home again, and then make yet another trip to get the key the next day. Finally, my friends left for the Wild West.

Porsche's are special. 

Oh, and did you notice that they also sell used cars in the showroom?

My wife asked me to see if they had a chocolate brown Macan. They did, damn. . .

Porsche vs. Harley-Davidson

There are, of course, people running around out there who both ride Harleys, and drive Porsches. Mostly, though, there are two dedicated groups and they are light-years apart. Let's discuss this. I have to point out that this post, in a different way, extends the ideas found in the 'Sublime' post below.

A CNC engine cover on a Harley.
Porsche Engineering designed the V-Rod engine for Harley.
© = ?

For some time Porsche AG has claimed that the average age of a Porsche owner is around 35. I can't dispute this, but an age like that would fairly easily fit into a duality of ownership model - meaning that they could also ride a bike - but let's start with a discussion of Harley. Porsche says what it says, but I don't believe that H-D can claim an average owner who is 35 years old. Harley's poor sales numbers at this time are due, in large part, to the stern fact that Harley owners are getting old and vanishing, and aren't being replaced by younger riders. Harley will only survive if it can attract an entirely new audience. Other bike makers have a head-start in this, offering as they do, smaller and 'easier' bikes to what is a shrinking audience for them, too.

It will take a while for H-D to see big changes, but for now owners of their bikes remain fiercely loyal, and it is easy to heap stereotypes all over them. This is a bit disparaging, I admit, but we've all seen the pot-bellied guy with the beard, and no helmet but with a bandana, rumbling along as he airs his pits hanging onto ape-hanger bars, showing off rude tattoos by wearing a sleeveless tee shirt. Loud pipes save lives, and all of that. This doesn't sound like a Porsche owner's persona at all. And yet, in many ways they are remarkably similar.

To be more objective about it, not all Harley riders fit the illustration I mentioned above. Nevertheless, that type of cliché exists because so many of them actually do fit it. I'll let you judge that, because there are hackneyed notions out there that describe Porsche drivers, too. The worn out joke about the difference between a Porsche and a porcupine exists for a reason. . . When a friend recently told someone that he was a member of a Porsche club, that someone asked, "The Porsche Club? Aren't they a bunch of snobs?" My friend said, "My response was almost immediate. 'No, Ron, the people who buy Porsches and don't join PCA are the snobs!'" That's an old truism, also - too often both parts of it.

This guy doesn't get the Harley mystique at all.

"Porsche, the world's greatest automobiles," says the president of Porsche owner clubs everywhere - then those presidents go into rhapsodic swooning about why this claim is so. Greatest for what, I have to ask. Praiseworthy things can easily be said about these cars, no question, and these things are fervently believed by the faithful. Same thing over at the Harley-Davidson clubhouse.

This loyalty to one marque of machine, bike or car, makes little sense. There are too many interesting vehicles out there to be so restricted. But, it isn't fully about the Porsches, or the Harleys.

Both of them have baggage, by which I mean there is no way that H-D can easily get rid of it's V-twins and general styling, and Porsche isn't about to dump the 'iconic' shape of the 911 or rear engines, either. Porsches keep getting faster and more gadget laden, while Harleys keep getting blacker, and/or just the same, having a challenge to extend their personality. For Harley, the state of affairs is already dire, and Porsches can't keep going preposterously faster forever - there are rational limits, even on the Autobahn.

Porsche, or Harley? © Swedzi Wojownika (?)

It's tribalism. There are other marques of cars and bikes that do things marvelously, but they don't have the personas built on decades of consistent identity. This is not only about Porsches and Harleys, as I've mentioned. You might say that Leica cameras have a similar cult following. Sure, they are good in most regards, but as with cars and bikes, there are other excellent products to be had, too. Tribalism again, which drives prices and loyalty: people latch onto a product/political idea/sports team/etc. and devote great, staunch allegiance to it, rationality be damned (this part seldom is admitted).

When I recently listened to a German auto commentator, who's remarks were recorded while he drove a Porsche at 300 kph on the Autobahn, he pointed out that the Germans cannot understand why people who do not live in Germany buy 400+ horsepower Porsches - or other cars - because they can never legally (or sanely) drive 300 kph in them anywhere, other than on the German Autobahn. That's true, so what is the point of ever more powerful, and faster cars, that have to be festooned with nanny devices to prevent those fast (in their minds) drivers from killing themselves, or others, due to their exuberant incompetence? In fairness, naturally, this can also be said of other drivers of fast vehicles, but the Porsche Club of America is the world's largest single-marque automobile club. . . Anyway, I drove a Porsche for eight years and I often drove too fast, too.

Then there is Harley. I rode a Harley for a number of years, also. However, I never joined the club, so to speak. No all-black clothing, no loud pipes, no 'colors', no $5 helmet for a $5 head, never went helmetless, either. But, I came to understand the loyalties, by association and osmosis. Many of those dedicated guys torture themselves. They go deaf, ride in extreme discomfort, get killed by various means, and often butcher their pricey bikes with goofy, but rigidly observed modifications. Why? Tribalism. They like to belong, and they like to convince themselves that they are having an ultimate experience in the process. Just like the Porsche guys.

Analogue racing. This I can appreciate.  © = ?

This is not a totally exhaustive list of people who do silly things in the name of wanting to be included and feel 'special'. I have also ignored those Porsche types who race, or who collect interesting ($$) Porsches - but never drive them, and the like. They have their unique worlds to live in. I'm writing about my own experiences.

And, naturally, this is not a broad and fair examination of all Harley owners, nor all commonplace Porsche owners, either. Such people come in many flavours, some wonderful and fascinating (in a good way), others, not so much. That's life. At the same time, stereotypes and clichés exist because there is a measure of truth to them, as I have said. Better to avoid those pitfalls. What you read here is a suggestion to be a decent and balanced human being, rather than one who wallows in a fiercely narrow, or haughty mindset for no good reason.   

In the end, I am in favour of genuine, analogue Porsches. Old ones that make you do the driving. Porsches that are (relatively) slow; that you have to shift for yourself; that have no power operated gadgetry of any kind, at all. I like them raw, and I have no interest in the latest digital whatever. Possibly my tribe isn't fully fledged yet, but I don't care about that. All Porsches are interesting cars.

Go for a drive, or ride; that's all you need, and don't worry about your image. Never be a snob just because you have a Porsche, please. But, if you are reading this, you are likely not one of those. Good. 

An afterthought: This post is dated March 27; today's date is April 24, so I reread what I said.  Some comments might be flippant, in some people's opinion. I don't have a reason to annoy anyone, but if you were annoyed, try to think more broadly about where you stand relative to all of this. It's just a car, and it's just a bike.

A Downright Sublime Driving Experience

sublime
(səˈblaɪm)

adj

1. of high moral, aesthetic, intellectual, or spiritual value; noble; exalted

2. inspiring deep veneration, awe, or uplifting emotion because of its beauty, nobility, grandeur, or immensity

3. unparalleled; supreme: a sublime compliment.

4. poetic of proud bearing or aspect

5. archaic raised up

n

6. something that is sublime

7. the ultimate degree or perfect example: the sublime of folly.


What is this post about? It's an analysis of how a person relates to their car (or cars), without making any assumptions about what the relationship is 'supposed' to be. What is your car to you? This is not your ordinary car blog post.

 

A blog like this implies that Porsche cars are being venerated here on some level, or, at least, enthused about on occasion. True. In this blog I do admit to having had considerable fun over the years behind the wheel of my 911, when it was running, and for that reason I expressed appreciation for its character and capabilities. That, and the concomitant car-owner camaraderie to be had, especially if you join a Porsche club of some kind.

There are other approaches to this realm of fun, too. I am acquainted with an individual (about whom I will give no identifying information), but I will explore a point of view that this car owner holds. It simply is this: There are a variety of ways in which a car enthusiast can experience a sublime driving experience. True enough, but, it doesn't always have to do with actual driving. [This last sentence involves what I will try to introduce.] (Also, full disclosure, the person who owns these cars is an excellent friend of mine. Many people own multiple vehicles; it's pretty common, but this collection provides a good example for what I want to talk about.) 

Okay, Porsche content:  Our hero owns a varied selection of automobiles, and one of them is a Porsche Cayman. The image here isn't that car, but it looks comparable to this, though it is not an 'S' like this one:

A Cayman is not an ultra light and flickable car, like the new, French, Alpine A110, but it is fun, and the ones that I've driven or ridden in oozed Porscheness to the hilt. This was a good thing, mostly.

In several ways, one must pay a multi-faceted price of admission for the experience that this car offers. It costs Porsche $, it's tight inside - to me a bit claustrophobic (I'm long), and it leaves out day-to-day functional practicality - especially compared to my late 911. But, it is a delight to drive and, therefore, it exists and is enjoyed by many. So, you might say that it provides a sublime driving experience, no question. It is, after all, a quick and nimble car. Really, it's über-cool. To be honest, I wouldn't mind owning a Cayman myself, given the right context.
 
But then, moving on from this to consider something more practical, something that can brave the elements in this region (blizzards, unpaved roads, subzero temperatures, spring 'mud season', etc.), an all-wheel drive, or four-wheel drive vehicle is the ticket. But it ought to be sublime.

Hummer H-3

So, enter the Hummer. Of course, the 'car person' in question does not want to drive the Cayman in a blizzard, or for some reason in deep mud, and since those are the only environments in which a Hummer makes a lot of sense, an H-3 got added to the fleet.

Now we are getting into the subtle nuances of defining 'sublime'. How can a blunt tool like an H-3 be sublime? If it does what it does with great, bludgeoning effectiveness, doesn't that put this vehicle into a sublime realm (if you sort of ignore the bludgeon part)? After all, you don't have to plow the snow from the drive with this machine, you just stomp on the gas and go through it. That powerful benefit weighs in if you want to vote for this Hummer as being sublime, right? Genteel doesn't fit into the 'sublime' equation in this case, and since nobody confuses this with a sports car, everybody wins.

Well, not quite. Yes, the Hummer is capable in its way, but is it the most comfortable long distance, interstate cruiser? Maybe not so much. A person needs a bit of sumptuousness on occasion, too.

But, there is the occasional slippery road, at the same time. What to do? How about a nice, sleek, luxurious, quiet saloon car? Something with a bit of class, but a car that cannot be upended due to the occasional, pesky snow flurry? Okay, why not a Mercedes-Benz 4Matic, all-wheel drive sedan? Yes, there is one of these in this collection.

I drove this car, and it behaves admirably, handling well in composed quiet, unfettered by rude annoyances that the road throws into the way when you don't expect them. It's quick enough, and you can actually have a civilized conversation with a passenger in the back seat, and the only yelling necessary is at the behest of the editorial point that you are trying to make. I don't know for sure, but this member of this present automotive family might just accumulate the most miles of the bunch.

There is more to the bunch.

Each of these vehicles fits into a certain niche, each excelling in its individual way, but they are almost all one-trick ponies. I don't want to suggest that this is meant as a negative criticism, because the attractiveness of them all is certain, specific, and clear. However, none of them 'does it all'. Well, what does it all? Nothing, probably. That said, the additional machine in this 100% daily-driver collection takes a pretty good stab at doing it all. It's big, it's heavy, it's big, but there is a genuine sophistication about it, and that is why it is the latest addition to this private group.

RR HSE

A Land Rover Range Rover HSE Lux. Quite a name, but you may call it an 'RR' if you like. This creation is larger, so I'm told, than the Hummer, and it has more electronic aids in its drive train than that H-3. Plus, its level of luxury is second to none here, and it's pretty sporting, too. Hmmm. A winner? Hard to say.

_______________________

The question for me has become; what are the dimensions of 'sublime'? It appears that this does not depend so much on the vehicle itself, nor fully on the driving of it, either. Rather, 'sublime' defines your state of mind while experiencing that which you prefer to experience, as far as motoring is concerned, at least. In other words, for special reasons of your own, riding a bicycle could offer the most sublime experience in your world; ignore the motor part in this case.

Another idea enters. Quality. The author of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, Robert M. Persig, almost went insane trying to define quality. He says so in that book, if I remember it properly. Anyway, define 'quality' for yourself, but how can it not be intertwined with 'sublime'? A thing has a certain quality, therefore, it is sublime. And, every automobile being examined here exudes specific quality(ies). It's complicated. 

There is a wonderful quote from Mr. Persig, though: "The only Zen you can find on the top of mountains is the Zen you bring up there." Somehow, Mindfulness, it appears to me, needs to be kept in your back pocket, most of the time.

One concept within Zen is that enlightenment (partly) is reachable via considering paradoxical ideas in order to transcend rational thought. So, possibly, quality + you + sublime + good tires = Porsche(?) You are now enlightened.


So, this opens up a whole new universe. No one can impose sublimeness onto you, because it is not entirely an objective thing, nor quality (by itself). It's personal, and a reflection of your own values, self image, expectations, desires, environment, which is to say; your personality in your world. Sublime car experience does not necessarily mean going fast, nor handling well, nor drowning in opulence, although it could. What do you really enjoy as you move through your life? That's what it means.

Does a Porsche have to do with all of this? Is it sublime? To those who think so, yes, of course. On the other hand, nothing is intrinsically sublime about any car, until the driver's input comes into play to complete the enlightened equation. So the answer is yes, or no.

I owned a Porsche 911 for eight years, and during that time I often skinned my knuckles while 'adjusting' it, but I grinned from ear to ear on those occasions when everything about that car was singing a proper song. At long last the time came for me to let go of it. I miss my 911 on occasion, but I do not regret that I now have new opportunities before me. Happiness is not always having what you want, it is wanting what you have. That is a modest thought, but Porsches don't really involve a lot of modesty. Live in your own moment, not anyone else's

_______________________

Porsche is known for its sport cars. Keep in mind, though, that Porsche is abandoning what has been nearly its most successful racing enterprise - there will be no more 24 hours of LeMans or top-tier World Endurance Championship (WEC) for Porsche - at least with the high-end cars. It's going electric instead, in specialized competition. In future years you will drive an electric Porsche, or else drive an antique gas powered one, if you can still find gasoline.  Maybe kilowatts can be sublime.

On a somewhat related topic; this is a curious transitional moment right now, because Porsche is caught up in the same quagmire as many other automobile manufacturers, which means making ever more powerful and bleeding-edge fast 'supercars' that can be driven, where? Not legally on public roads at anywhere near their actual capability. Race tracks? Porsche has begun to go electric, and, anyway, a vanishingly small percent of Porsches find themselves on actual race tracks. Put another way, ultra high performance will mean, in the not too distant future, things such as hyper efficiency and the like - this is not news. A good thing that 'sublime' is a flexible concept, because today's supercars are already an anachronism considering emerging realities and, anyway, near obsolete before they hit the road since the next model will be even faster. Nevertheless, not sublime to me at this point, and there is no long-term future for most of these cars. The 'fun' of such cars, and honestly most super-fast Porsches is, in a palpable way, entirely vicarious.  At least for most ordinary mortals.

We need to reconsider what the definition of a sports car actually is, and not only that. A new reality is upon us. But for now, drive what you enjoy, and enjoy what you drive. Nobody can contradict your preferences, because nobody is identical to you. I've been looking at Morgans, and Mahindras (not really seriously), but then, frankly, all such toys are fair game. Anything has the potential to put a smile on your face, Porsche, or not.